Navigating Uncertainty

"If you're willing to endure the discomfort of not knowing, a solution will often present itself." - M. Scott Peck

As you read this, I am standing at a critical juncture in my life. The last two years’ worth of deep introspection, shadow work, deconstructing, and shifts in my perspective and beliefs have all led me here. The proverbial fork in the road. What sucks is, I don’t have a map or any bars to use GPS.

The main thing I’ve had to accept about creating an authentic life, not imposed from the outside or based in mimicry, is the absence of a map. Yes, there are theological frameworks and cosmologies that have helped me gain a basic understanding of what I am doing on this planet in the first place. But to consciously create a life centered in integrity and Love—especially when this was not modeled for me in childhood—means I am forging a new path. A path that is unique to me. There is no map for new territories. And the inevitable challenges, inner battles and swells of resistance that arise in seeming protest to this new mode of living are anchored in the one thing my mind dodges the most: uncertainty.

“There is no book for this because you are writing it now.”

– Maryam Hasnaa

I love clarity. I do well following instruction. I prefer plans. I seek structured processes. I have a keen sense of direction. But the shadow side of this is just an obsession with knowing. I want to know what to expect. I need to know how it will pan out. I must know exactly what to do. And who all gon’ be there? Clearly, a trauma response. That all too familiar illusion of control.

After much curiosity and self-reflection, I now identify this obsession as idolatry of the mind. Which, for me, a Gemini enamored by mental stimulation, typically leads to informational gluttony. I often find myself ravenous for more knowledge or guidance via a sermon, tweet, post, article, or book—ANYTHING to validate where I am, confirm I’m on the right track and establish certainty about where I’m headed. But, let’s be honest here. How many sermons, tweets, posts, articles, or books can one resonate with before facing the necessary act of embodiment? Right. I think this desperation for guidance emerges because I am not the best at being Here. In our culture, we are programmed to fixate our attention on getting There, believing that is where the fulfillment, joy, and peace we desire is located. We’re also conditioned in myriad ways to defer our power to external authority.

In the last few months, I’ve arrived at a place where this frantic consumption no longer satiates, but inspired action is required to move forward. As much as my mind would love to move with precision and certainty based on a blueprint or template, the constant search for answers outside myself simply isn’t working anymore. In fact, it never did. Upon approaching this new terrain, straining to see beyond the horizon, I catch myself freaking out, questioning which way to go, and seriously wondering if I am on the verge of making a monumental mistake because I cannot see the full road ahead.

However difficult, where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be. After all, how else can I expect clarity regarding what’s next, if I’m not Here to receive it? I am beginning to appreciate this uncomfortable crossroads of uncertainty as an invitation to presence. Here, I get the opportunity to become intimate with my fears, doubts, and false beliefs—basically everything I’ve been avoiding by obsessing over the map. The longer I sit down with my thoughts, without judgement, the more I begin to recognize them as predictable patterns of mind based in fear, clearly distinct from the frequency of Love. With the assistance of my go-to tools of meditation, self-inquiry, and journaling, I can feel a shift of identification with mind to remembrance of Spirit. When I am witness to my thoughts and emotions instead of believing they are me, I become aware of a stillness, a centeredness that is Me.

When you release the false sense of security that comes from knowing what happens next, you make space to develop true safety from the clarity of discernment. Because discernment is developed within the Spirit, the visibility of external circumstances will not be enough to sway your inner knowing. This is faith. When the truth takes root so deeply within your being, you are not blown about by the wind. That’s not to say vacillations cease, but over time I can sense a strengthened ability to stabilize quicker when I catch myself mid-wobble.

Because this journey is so intriguingly multi-faceted and layered, I recognize standing at this fork in the road has served as a side-quest from mind to Spirit. Everything without is pointing me within—where God resides. The moment you stop seeking, you return to Yourself. Turns out, there is no need for a map when I am the compass.

Be encouraged along your quest. If you, too, are wrestling with uncertainty, remember, You are what you’ve been searching for. Go within.

If you see me, I see you.