The art of anxiety
How I use anxiety to create something new.
I’ve noticed I am reluctant to fully accept that I suffer from anxiety. I keep hoping I can meditate long enough, pray hard enough, or breathe deeply enough to make it go away forever. This type of wishful thinking is my go-to form of resistance. For years, my dad has constantly advised me, “Know Thyself.” With this adage, I have found the healing power of acceptance that takes into consideration who I know myself to be, in more ways than one.
When anxiety kicks in, the force of thought is a terrifyingly powerful stream. I become drenched with worst case scenarios followed by frenzied analysis to find a solution. My mind directs me to the past in an onslaught of criticism, regret, and shoulds or into the future for preventive action toward an outcome that has not come and likely never will. It is exhausting.
Because I am so cerebral, I have been practicing somatic approaches like breathwork or identifying the underlying emotion based on distinct sensations within my body. This doesn’t always work, which typically sends me into a deeper spiral of worry that I don’t have the tools to help me escape. I am learning the word “escape” is the key that keeps me stuck in a loop. Jung continually reminds me, “What you resist not only persists but grows in size.” This is where the anchor of acceptance comes in.
When my anxiety popped up this past weekend, I tried something new. I gave myself some grace, accepting the anxiety is here, I can’t escape, and this too shall pass. And instead of a somatic focus internally, like I usually do, I placed my focus on something tactile. I chose the most tedious thing I could do with my hands and gave my full attention to that. As I worked, the thoughts trickled down as the level of focus I needed on the task at hand helped distract me from overly identifying with those thoughts.
Here’s what my anxiety created:
Working with this particular medium requires me to slow all the way down, as I meticulously place a single thread along a thin line of adhesive. The alternating waves of color represent the impermanence of every thing I attempt to escape. My resistance to these ebbs and flows only solidifies their impact long after they have passed. Waves is a self-portrait.
As you continue to get to know yourself, be gentle. Let your resistance soften into acceptance. You never know what you can create in the dark.
If you see me, I see you.
