The Feat of Forgiveness

My reflections on resentment.

The path to true forgiveness has been a long, rocky road for me, but I’m finally beginning to see sprouts of change in my closest relationships.

Any of y’all navigating unforgiveness toward your parents? I am no exception. It took me twenty years to truly forgive my parents. Over the years, in the earlier phases of the forgiveness process, I always knew there was more work to be done because their behavior, past or present, continued to trigger me. You know how it is when someone asks a loaded question, expresses criticism, makes an insensitive joke, or uses a tone of voice that precisely targets that soft flesh of your heart, activates your nervous system and pulls you right back into a place of powerlessness? That. I had not yet arrived to the place of neutrality and acceptance necessary to cease taking it personally.

As a codependent, I mastered spiritually bypassing my heartache by “forgiving” others to avoid potential conflict. By forgive, I mean swallow my feelings. In my mind, conflict meant possibility of abandonment—if I upset you, you’ll leave me. Because my attention is typically hyper focused on others’ needs, it is a struggle to fully recognize and confidently vocalize my own. Even at the thought of expressing my needs via confrontation, my mind floods, becoming fuzzy and muddled, and I freeze up, unable to clearly identify what choice I have in the matter. My cocktail of conflict resolution defaults to passivity, avoidance, or passive aggression to superficially keep the peace. The other person is none the wiser and I avoid the call to face myself squarely and address the fears I don’t want to unearth. We’re “good.” It’s a false sense of safety at my expense, and ultimately, the health of the relationship. This has resulted in a long list of harm inflicted on my heart over a lifetime that, sadly, I kept to myself. This is another clear lesson demonstrating how acting on the fear of abandonment only leads to self-abandonment.

For me, forgiveness became less elusive when I realized harm is done unconsciously. You know the saying: Hurt people, hurt people. When I engage with someone, in or out of conflict, their harmful behavior toward me points to an underlying, unaddressed fear within them, active in the present moment. It ain’t about me. Obviously, within conflict, it can get extra venomous and nasty; especially if one’s conflict style is aggressive and confrontational, the damage can feel irreparable. They are looking for the kill under their own threat of safety.

When I finally understood people are not conscious to the damage they inflict, it created more space for me to choose not to make it personal. You remain a neutral witness. But you can’t arrive to this alternative of neutrality until you’ve uncovered and healed the underlying, unaddressed pain within you too. Codependents tend to use false empathy, understanding or minimizing to excuse the behavior of those creating harm. In order to avoid spiritual bypassing, your pain must always be validated and processed. Honor your emotions by giving them the time and space to flow through you. Once you are clear, you can assess the realistic paths to move forward, or not, within the relationship without compromising your integrity.

Sometimes it takes a while to sift through the Rolodex (dating myself) of past hurt before you can begin to process the damage they may still be inflicting now. That’s why along that twenty year road to forgiving my parents, physical distance and limited contact was an absolute requirement for me at times. Hell, I moved clear across the country to get away from my parents’ drama. But let me be clear, energy dynamics don’t relent with physical distance. A trigger is a trigger, face-to-face or 1,413 miles away. In my case, to continually expose myself to their harm as I was addressing the hurt only drove the pain deeper and impeded my progress. I needed boundaries to focus on myself.

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

-Prentis Hemphill

Unbeknownst to me, I got into a fight with my best friend this past weekend. I had an impulse to tell her something in love, that spiraled into a hurtful exchange—on my part—due to my fear of abandonment. I was a bitch to her. And not in a plain way of name calling or berating, instead an arrogant way of manipulation and shaming. My speech was ugly and unskillful. At the time, I believed what I said was out of love. In fact, I walked away from the conversation proud of my ability to confront her and boldly express my needs and feelings, when typically, I would remain silent. And I went on with my weekend as usual, thinking nothing of it.

Three days later, I woke up. I realized mostly everything I said to her was based in fear and completely undermined her divinity, capability, and free will. In that moment of awareness, I texted her to apologize. After a long conversation, with major honesty and curiosity, I made clear the chasm between my intention and impact. I realized my hurtful attempts to control her behavior was based on a projected threat of abandonment regarding a decision she is navigating. I turned on her in the moment because, by asserting her free will, she wasn’t agreeing to provide the safety I needed. A need that has everything to do with my past wounds and nothing to do with her, coupled with an unspoken expectation of safety that she could never provide anyway. Conflict laced with unspoken fear will always result in harm. Let’s bring it back: Hurt people, hurt people.

After sorting through the cobwebs together, with my fear out in the open, no longer distorting my intention, I could clearly articulate the heart of the message with unconditional love. Gratefully, we witnessed our individual growth in this exchange. It was our first fight—a full-circle moment where our codependent tendencies reared their ugly heads and then met eyes. She is my sacred mirror teaching me how to love myself first in a relationship. We were fortified in the truth that healthy conflict doesn’t end in abandonment, it forges deeper roots that stabilize our love for each other. I love you, E.

“Conflict is simply an invitation to take the relationship deeper.”

-Prentis Hemphill

We all make mistakes. For relationships to thrive, the courage to take accountability is vital. Over a year ago, when the veil was lifted and a deeper awareness of my codependency emerged, I was appalled that much of my past behavior, which I believed to be in love, was anchored in fear. When you own up to the harm you’ve caused, you can also extend forgiveness toward yourself. I acknowledge I didn’t know better and I make amends. See, I had no capacity to truly forgive others until I learned to forgive myself first.

Accountability and forgiveness are invaluable tools in the healing of my perfectionism and codependency because I am human and make mistakes. When I forgive myself, I become more human and can extend that same understanding and grace to others. My human parents. My human partner. My human daughter. My human siblings. My human family. My human friends.

Remember you are human. And they are too.

If you see me, I see you.

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* This post does not condone the tolerance of violence or abuse. Forgiveness does not equate reconciliation, nor does it require direct communication with the wrongdoer to achieve closure. Discernment is crucial in the embodiment of your freedom.

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