What on Earth am I here for?
"The Earth is ghetto, I wanna leave..."
Lately, I’ve been seriously questioning my purpose in this life. There is a lot happening in the world right now that makes me feel insignificant and powerless. After realizing how I was avoiding or distracting myself from facing the devastation of global events, and with encouragement from my spiritual teachers, I instead chose to bear witness. It is a privilege to have the choice to look away and I believe there is a karmic consequence of that choice. I continue to ride waves of despair, grief, and rage at the weight of my disillusionment. My heart breaks for those most vulnerable to harm in the world. And then my heart breaks even further at my personal contribution of harm in the world. I can’t help but wonder why I am here and what I was created to do.
I am at a crossroads in my creativity, mainly because I want to create from a place of purity, not desperation, pride, or a false sense of activism in reaction to what I am witnessing. Everything I want to create feels meaningless right now. Even still, Sovereign came to me in my sleep; it concisely captures the breadth of free will.
I was raised a Zionist. Growing up in Texas, reared in a conservative Christian home, for most of my life I identified as a fundamentalist, evangelical Christian. I stopped identifying as Christian, in a narrow sense, over 12 years ago. I often avoid talking about my spiritual path for fear of judgement or misunderstanding. But as I come to understand all paths are sacred, I choose not to censor myself anymore.
The genocide in Gaza profoundly grieves me because I intimately know how the ignorance of a younger version of myself would have justified such heinous violence under the guise of collective sovereignty. Regardless of where I’ve traveled and landed in the realm of Spirit, I still believe God is love and we are one body. We are all Palestinian. We are all Israeli. We are not separate. Liberation for all requires death to all violent systems of oppression and sinfulness within and without.
As I’ve been asking God, “Why am I here?” in response to what feels like the end of the world, I’ve felt a call to deeper levels of self-reflection. In divine timing, I am also approaching Step 4 in recovery with Nar-Anon. Holding myself accountable to how the very systems I oppose are also buried within my heart is uncomfortable and shameful, but necessary to admit if I desire healing for myself and the world. The condition of my heart contributes to the condition of All. The relationship to yourself is where change begins, but you can’t change what you’re unwilling to see. We, as individuals, are but a microcosm of what is happening in the world. Accountability is heavy because we really do matter.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” -Psalm 51:10
When there are parts of myself I reject and am obsessed with “fixing”…
When I beat myself up for mistakes I’ve made…
When I look in the mirror and immediately criticize my appearance…
When I use media, food, or substances to escape the weight of my emotions…
This perpetual state of internal war and division from a lack of acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion for myself inevitably plays out in my relationships—creating more war and division. When I am fragmented within, I recognize a gripping onto a false sense of power to feel better about myself through judgement, comparison, manipulation, overcompensation, performance, self-righteousness, jealousy, control, or people-pleasing. Ultimately, these tactics of force, rooted in a lack of self-love, are destructive and do not serve my well-being or that of others. This isn’t to say outward activism isn’t also necessary, when inspired, not performative. But I believe until we all take radical accountability for our contribution of harm, we will continue to witness the destruction of all forms of life, including the Earth itself.
If you’re feeling powerless or discouraged, remember, You matter. You wouldn’t be here otherwise. If you are wondering what you can do, today is a good day to take inventory of your heart. Feel your feelings and allow the heartbreak of darkness to propel you back into the light. Pray for those who are suffering. Pray for your enemies as well.
The Earth is ghetto—yes—but we are here because we need one another.
If you see me, I see you.
Resonated with this one in so many levels.❤️