You can run, but you can't hide
Embracing your shadow is the key to wholeness
But First, Show and Tell
Art share! I strung together a 20-piece montage of the many sides of Chaz. As you can see, I’ve been exploring self-portraiture for the better half of the last year. In an intense “know thyself” season, painting my image has opened me up to up greater levels of intimacy with who I am and who I am not. The challenge of achieving likeness is both an inner and outer study. My reflection invites a sense of curiosity about how I am perceived by the eye, and more importantly, how I receive that ever-shifting perception. As I paint, a trickle of questions begins to flow to reveal and wash away layers of false beliefs and conditioning that do not nourish me anymore. Who do I see when I look in the mirror? What is the quality of thoughts that emerge as I paint the contours of my face? In what ways do I hide from myself? What of my form is beautiful and by whose definition? To depict myself in a multitude of mediums, angles, hairstyles, colors, and artistic styles encourages me to accept and love my depths and dimensions. Every facet of me is art.
If you’d like to commission a digital portrait, you know where to find me.
Dodging Your Shadow
Next month, I turn 38. This past year has by far been one of the most challenging I’ve experienced. When I started Subtle Lessons almost a year ago, my aim was to practice vulnerability by candidly sharing my challenges with codependency and perfectionism. Ultimately, I thought by doing the very thing these traits avoid—admit failure, share my struggles, ask for help, and proclaim my flaws or mistakes—that somehow, I would finally overcome them. That’s the idealist in me. The same idealist who has been stealthily avoiding her shadow, which intensifies those exact traits I seek to change. Dodging your shadow isn’t worth it, y’all. Trust me, I am an expert by pedigree. To establish a healthy relationship with yourself, embracing ALL parts of who you are is non-negotiable. And as we know, with all things in reciprocity, it directly affects the health and quality of your interpersonal relationships too.
I cannot find the words to describe how harshly I’ve judged myself for my “ugly” parts. How often I wished I was someone else. How badly I wanted to think or behave differently than how I’m wired. How committed I’ve been to self-healing and personal development as a covert symptom of self-hatred. It’s wild how loving yourself can be one of the hardest things to do, and it breaks my heart how cold and cruel I’ve been to myself for decades.
“Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don’t even want to look at.” — Pema Chödrön
Recovery for any shortcoming is simply a path of self-compassion. And although I’ve only tasted a sliver of the sweetness of self-compassion, I am grateful for the abundance of self-love available that is within my control to give and receive. No matter how dark my shadow can be—judgmental, jealous, arrogant, controlling, or spiteful—I am still worthy of love and compassion. This gentle awareness alone creates space for me to consciously choose my actions when these shadowy parts emerge, instead of reactively giving into them for a temporal and false sense of power. I used to think rejecting these parts of me would rid me of them. Au contraire. Self-compassion is the key to lasting change.
Shadow Work Practice
One of my go-to methods to illuminate my shadow is using others as a mirror. I continually observe what irks me the most in others. Who gets on my last nerve and why? Often when we struggle to feel a sense of compassion for others’ shadows and judge them for it, it may reflect the self-judgement/rejection we carry toward our own expression or repression of that same behavior. You can’t give what you don’t have.
“Remember, you’ve been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” —Louise Hay
Journal Prompts | Get Curious About Yourself
What aspects of yourself do you hate or struggle to accept? Why?
What is a trait or behavior that you despise in others?
Reflect on a deep, secret desire you’d hesitate to admit out loud? Why do you think you have kept it hidden?
What is your deepest fear? How has it quietly guided your life choices?
If you see me, I see you.
